Wednesday, November 08, 2006 ;
6:38 PM
*Before you read this post, please be advise that this is just an attempt by me to write down what is going through in my head in words. By no means this post is directed at anyone or anything. No double check for offensive materials are done. Haihz, sounding like a disclaimer. Well it is but I hope what is in the post stays in this post. Thanx*
I was wondering, what if one day, I'll have no one to talk to ever. How would I become? Cos I dunno why, these few days, I think I find myself searching for someone to talk to. Now I want to know how they are doing, know their problems, be there for them those kind of things. I asked, gossiped and teased people now. Through this I know that cl is finally doing what he wants, ps and yh got a new computer and really relishing them, pan, although i can't catch him for long, can sense he is doing a lot better now, heck, i even know how is yk's business going! What is happening? Why am I so curious to know what is going on? I dun even know what is going on unless someone tells me. Last time, all I ever did with my friends is to go and do something together with them. Like those times when I'm with cl, yh, ps, pan, I'm just there observing them. I dun have a topic to say at all. Just watch, suck in everything I see. And once I open my mouth, it's just only to ask them what are going to do next. Then those times when I go out, especially with gurls, worse still. Let's say that the plan is to go to Pyramid, watch a movie and eat lunch. So it was, Hi when we met, let's go buy the tickets. Then, what you wanna watch? I think watch this this or that that is good cox got who who act and someone someone direct. After we bought the tickets, so let's go eat somewhere, what do you want? I haven try this this, or I know that that is good. Sum it up, 99% of what I said are about what to do next. Not even once I tried, not try but willing to know more about that person.
When i was like that back then, I dun think I was appreciative of any relationship. It's like I'm treating them like, ok, you are there, hi haha bye. I was always such. Then why now am i suddenly thinking about all these? Was I not bothered at all? Why the change? Not to say that it is bad but really, why now? Why can't I change earlier? How was I back then? I still remember in primary school, I know my friends good enough to be able to be 100% sure of what they would do, how they will react, where they will go and all those shit. How come I lost it? What caused me to change from then?
I can still remember very clearly what I had always thought of myself. I do not need anyone in my life, I can live on without them. I will solve my own problems, I do not need help. I will find my own outlet, my own entertainment. I will do what I want, what I can. I will learn everything, I will be prepared for anything. I will face the problem, analyse it, think out solutions and predict what would happen. And I got through them nicely. So why do I need other people when I can do all these by myself? I can solve my own mysteries, why do I need to talk about it?
So my mind was a complete blank, in balance. So for that blank, I just input everything i see, i hear, i feel, i understand. So there is it, just observing. Even if I had the need to talk to someone, it's cos I ran out of ideas and need some help to continue on. So then, what is happening to me now?
I'm so fucking kepo on how Barney's relationship is going. I actually insisted that I want to know every head and tail. I even want to know what kind of presents he is giving, comment on them until the cows come home, want to know everything basically. I did not ever asked such things from yh. Oh, yh, still together ar? Good lo. Eh? Breakup ar? Why? Aiya, not really interested but let's go sing K relax a bit. See the difference? It's like from end of the spectrum to the other end of it!
Then there's more, I admit it, I had not made a single call to anyone ever since I came to Canberra. Excluding that I have to 'report' every week to my sister, No, I did not even bother to call any other person on my own will. Wth. How come? Why I dun have that urge? Then how come liddat now? Before this, I did not ever have the guts, yes really, no courage, call me weak whatever I dun care, I dun dare to phone a girl. How come? Why like that? This week, I did not think twice, heck I dun think I did actually think, I just bought an IDD card straight out. $10 no more stock? Nvm, just get the $20 one. I just want to call. I know that I'm not buying a neccesity, so I'm forking this money out of my own pocket. My wallet have no money for goodness sake! None! Nai! Nothing! I usually simulate properly in my brain every action I'm going to take. I would have checked whether I'm able to afford anything, and that the benefit must outweigh the cost. But this time, no, I did not do that. My simulation is functioning at -100%! Cos even the thought of it did not come into my mind! So, what is happening?
More than that, I think I know more about my 2 ex just from the past few days than all my life with them. How fucking sad can that go? What the shit I was doing then? What I was thinking when I with them? For what reason, seriously, was it because I like them? When I say I like them does it mean that I know them well to say that? Shit, fucking idiot. How could I be such a bastard? I can't believe it, what happened to those perfect settings? What was I doing all along? And now, what am i doing? I can no longer see the results of my actions, I just know that going forward is the only way. I feel so insecure and yet I know my security zone is somewhere in front. But then, why is this happening? What is actually happening?!
"It's a road that all humans have to cross. When they find a new purpose for themselves, they will find the answer they need."
light my way ♥
