Thursday, December 02, 2004 ;
7:37 PM
Parents, teacher, priests, monks, all those people had always taught and preach us to be a good person with proper manners in life. What do they mean by good? Is it that we should help a lady cross a street? Or give money to a charitable cause? Or rather, to make other feel good about themselves and their lives? To me, the answer is the last one. Taking a look at my history, i had once went into a girl's toilet to pick up a table tennis ball because all the boys dared not. Well, this seems similar to the first one. There was then again a time i paid money for a sticker '323', little did i care it was for charity at that time. The sticker was just special. Then making other feel better? Lots of times, when people are just sad i would just listen and provide some little comfort i could give. When people need a ride i would willingly provide if i can. And if anyone needed a drink but had to go somewhere far to get it, i'll be the first to run there to buy the drink. You want to play Photo Hunt? I'll play with you. Daytona? I'll play but expect me to be the last. What again? Power level you up? Sure, an hour or two before i go to level myself. Want to use my Priest? Take it, tell me when you are done. Rarely did i say no to a request for help, unless i couldn't really provide it or that person just had hurt me but usually i would not remember such grudges. But sometimes, what is it exactly that i was doing? Did i do all these because i was told to do so ever since i'm young or the society demanded that i do so? Could it be of a more individual reason? Just today, when i had nothing to do. I ponder over such things. I concluded that, i was just doing to get what every human being really wanted or desired : the feeling of being wanted. Why did i pick the table tennis ball in the girl's toilet? I would feel needed by my schoolmates. Why the sticker? My room wall beckons me to stick it there. Why comfort people? They needed someone to help them get over it, and i'm there to provide it. To play with you when no other friends are there for you. To let you use my stuff so that you can become better and share with me. Forget the grudges in hope that we will soon become friends. You see, putting a smile in someone's face could actually make you feel delighted and free. That is what i go for but there is also exactly where i had gone wrong. I sometimes made promises that could not be kept because i want to see that smile on your face. I spend you because you wanted that item before you can start to walk confidently again but then i would come back a few week's later to remind you of that loan. I gave you some of my food now because you wanted to try something new but later you can find me begging you for money to buy food because i did not bring my wallet. You need a pen to write but then i found out my other pen ran out of ink the examination hall. But wait, i do not mind all these. The things that matters to me most is once i had hurt someone's feelings. You could well be happy now, enjoying my companionship to its fullness and even to the point that it could seem to be forever but only to find them all shattered when the time comes. You can be feeling that i am a superb gentleman only to feel dissapointed later because i do not turn out to be the dream person you imagine i am. You might be thinking that i always have money for you to spend, only to find later that you will not be able to buy anything later because you felt indebted to me. You see, my regrets always come at these moments when i could no longer make you feel special, the time when i am after all just another ordinary boy, the period when i had no more cash in hand and i had to borrow from the very person i had lent to continue my life. Does all these seem trivial again? It will be when i had broken a girl's heart. Why did i do so? Is it because that the feelings are no longer there or because i do not want her to reach the time when all the wonders are shattered? Is it because that i asked her because she needed it or i needed it? How could it be so that i know what the other person wants when i had not known that person for more than 3 months? How again could it be that i acted on impulsion only to find that i regretted it later? Why must i act on impulsion? Why should i be spontaneous? Why can't i analyze beforehand the consequences of the decision that i might make? Then again, if i had no experience how could i know? Since the elders had the experience, why they still want us to go this path? Haihz, these are going in circles and never ends. I would really like to know when this could end, is it by the time when we die? I see that people still have problems after they died, only that it is tranferred to his close people. Just this other day, I watched an anime called Kimi Ga Nozomu Eien. I relate almost perfecly to the main character. He is overall, good and wishes to do no harm to anyone. A girl he loved had an accident because he reached her late and went into a coma. He is distraught for that first year but got control of himself with the help of that girl's best friend. Then it happened that this new couple actually cohabitated. When the girl had gotten out of the coma, she remembered nothing but after every interaction with the guy, she regained back some of her memory but the memory of their sweet times together remained always the most intact. The guy is perplexed, he had a responsibility to do but yet he cannot continue to cheat her of her feelings. But since he is good-natured, he chose to help the girl recover instead. His actions of taking care of everyone had hurt everyone instead. The coma girl was left heartbroken when she found out the truth. The girl's best friend got locked in the middle to either support her friend or to fight for her love. The coma girl's sister liked him but she knew that it could never work. She once said to him on the beach : "Why must you be so kind to me, to everyone. You have gotten us through so much pain but you wouldn't heal them, its because you cannot." It hits me right on the head. It made me realize and i had found that i had made the wrong choice. The choice to make people happy at all cost. Now, such a thing actually happened.
light my way ♥
